[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
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Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
seems like a niche market
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice