MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Practicing safe sax
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
meanwhile over on facebook
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.