On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
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*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*