[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
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[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.