Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
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I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
#DesignFail
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The “baby” on the left….
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I can fix him.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests