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I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
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Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.