My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
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12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
This sounds bad:
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
*limbos under the caution tape
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet