Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
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[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Teach your children to beatbox
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
want me to check your oil?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.