My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
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TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
Isn’t
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
pictures of spider-man
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too