Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks