Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
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I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.