ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
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I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.