87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Squirrels before girls.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids