INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
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my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.