Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
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If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
calling in to work dehydrated
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me