you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
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*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Ion see the issue
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.