“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
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You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
opening twitter today
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.