Don’t take drugs… for granted.
You Might Also Like
Become ungovernable.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I need to update my racial profile.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the