The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
You Might Also Like
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width