Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
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BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.