Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
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8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.