willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
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I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
everyone’s a critic
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel