Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
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The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.