Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
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You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password