Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
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BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”