God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
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#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
went fishing caught a bass
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.