Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
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The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Ladies, why y’all do this?
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.