Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
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me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Finally, a door that understands me
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Noah was an idiot.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
cats when you pet them too long:
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”