I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
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Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
my favorite genre of twitter
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
*ernest hemingway voice*
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
May have had one breakfast too many
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way