Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
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My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Spotted in New Orleans.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Bike for sale
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer