I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
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You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Based Erika