My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
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somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..