Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
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Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.