Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
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Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Velcrow
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you