“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you