Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
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We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs