“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
“Why you watching this shit?”
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
BRAKING NEWS!!
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.