[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
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Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?