Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
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Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so