Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
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My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
*sewing*
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