Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
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Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak