Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
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“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back