Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
You Might Also Like
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
I cannot call her anything else now
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”