Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
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If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
that de-escalated quickly
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.