Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
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*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
My nickname in high school was “who?”
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.