i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
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Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
*launders Kohls cash*