Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
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Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
#dalle2
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?