Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
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When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
How it started How it’s going