employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
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I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
If you are reading this then you are reading this
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”