Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.